Mommy vs. Myself
My entire life I have wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I wanted to get married, be a domestic goddess wife, have an SUV full of kids (over my dead body would I have ever gotten a minivan), volunteer for the PTA, send treats to my kids classes for the holidays, bake cookies with my kids, have movie nights, the whole nine. When I thought of my future, I just knew I would be known as a wife and mother. Well, here we are, in the future. And I am essentially screaming to the world, I AM MORE THAN JUST A WIFE AND MOTHER!!!!!!!! I am a whole person, with needs, and wants, and ideas, and feelings. And I ended up driving that damn minivan and fucking loving it……. what happened to me?!?! I used to be cool and fun and lowkey reckless. Now I am kissing boo-boos, having morning coffee to get my day started, and getting excited over new models of vacuum cleaners.
For a very long time, like my whole life, I thought I had to choose a lane to be in. If I was a mom, I couldn’t have tattoos, drink beers, say cuss words, listen to Tupac, and be my authentic self. If I wanted to be a mom, I needed to wear cardigans and Keds, listen to Kidz Bop, say things like fudge instead of fuck, be what was socially acceptable for moms. Then I realized, honestly after quitting my job and my mother passing away, fuck this, I want it all. I am gonna drive that minivan and bump Kevin Gates while I do it. I am gonna wear cardigans over my tattoos. And are those baseball Keds for me to wear to my kids T-ball games? HELLLLLLL YESSS!!!! Can I drink beer while I sing and play with my kids on the weekend? Yep. I can do whatever the hell I want. And I am. And it has seriously been the happiest and most free I have ever been in my entire life. And my kids are watching me, and lord do I hope they are learning that being yourself is sooooooooooo awesome.
There is a feeling that I can’t explain when you make the transition from living for others to living for yourself; being who you really are instead of what you think people expect.
I’ve wanted this my whole life. To feel comfortable in my body, with my personality, flaws and all. I certainly hate that it took me this long to figure things out, but hey, better late than never.
I hope I can encourage my kids to always appreciate their uniqueness. I want them to live exactly the way that makes them happy and I hope they never try to conform.
