Passion vs. Purpose: Answering the call.
Since I have resigned from my teaching job, I have struggled with figuring out what I should do with my life, other than being a mom and wife. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel the pressure to work outside of the home, but that is still a very weird feeling for me. It gives me a bit of anxiety because I feel like I am not contributing, specifically financially. But I give myself some grace and try to look at all the ways I do contribute and I know all those things matter, currently they matter more than a paycheck, for both myself and my family.
I have had a job since I was 15 years old. At all of my jobs, I've worked extra when people called in, worked doubles when I was needed, volunteered to do extra outside of the normal school hours I worked, and overall was a very dedicated hard worker. I’d say my work ethic is a result of having my mom raise me, and her being an independent single mom. I’ve never seen anyone work as hard as that woman and she taught me the importance of committing to your job, no matter what. To be honest, that mindset has been a blessing for all of my employers and maybe a bit of a curse for me. It’s very easy to lose yourself to the desire to do a great job. Work ends up being top priority, and that is something that I've learned is absolutely unacceptable.
I have always had a passion for working in general, but specifically for working with kids and teaching. I’ve taken care of infants and toddlers, co-taught a preschool class, was a nanny for a couple of families, spent a lot of my nights and weekends babysitting, and then started my career in education. I was able to teach a few different grade levels and subjects, but 7th grade math was by far my favorite. If you knew me as a teacher, then you too would say I had a passion for teaching. And I did. I really did. Hell, I still do. I miss my past students, I miss the content, I even miss the potential impact I would have had on future students. There is no better feeling than getting a child to believe in themselves. To help a student see that they are capable of doing anything at all with some hard work and self confidence, is amazing. Sometimes I wonder what part I was so passionate about, the content and teaching or seeing those light bulbs go off when a student finally understood something or being able to help erase that self doubt and replace it with confidence. Being out of the classroom makes me think the latter was what I was most passionate about. But, that is in the past, and most likely not something I will return to. Even though I was in love with teaching, it never really fulfilled me. I thought maybe I was teaching the wrong grade, the wrong subject, or working at the wrong school. But really it just wasn’t enough for me. It kept me busy,I was able to make a living, allowed me to build relationships, and gave me an outlet to be creative while doing what I loved, math!! But no matter what I changed it never really made me feel fulfilled, I always felt like it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough, and I wanted more. I really think I taught for so long because I knew it was somewhat safe, I was good at it,, and I maybe felt like I had no other skills whatsoever,so I just stayed, in a way it was easy. (Easy because I was comfortable, in real life teaching is the hardest thing ever and teachers truly do not get the respect or pay they deserve)I thought this meant that maybe I should own a business, but as quick as that thought came, it went. There really isn't anything I was interested in enough that I felt I could make a commitment to start and maintain it as a business.
So here I am, not working, staying at home with my third child, somehow physically and emotionally overwhelmed but mentally bored. I started looking for jobs, just to see what was available, but no matter the pay or the schedule, I always found a reason to not apply. Truthfully at this point, the thought of straightening my hair, putting on a full face of makeup, getting dressed in business casual attire, and putting on anything other than tennis shoes seemed like it would be one of the most difficult tasks I'd ever encountered. Plus I REALLY like bringing my kids to school in the mornings, hanging out all day with the baby, and then picking my big kids up in the afternoon. So the thought of being presentable, having a set schedule, bringing the baby to daycare, and making the big kids ride the bus just didn’t sit well with me. So I knew it was not the right time for me to work outside the home. But I had to do something. So I got the bright idea that I would start a blog. At first it was almost a bit of a joke because I figured there was no way the math lover in me could do stuff like write sentences, especially sentences that made sense. And I figured the unmedicated ADD in me would prevent me from finishing an actual blog or writing one that was coherent. But I persisted and decided I would just do it for me. My new job title would be :momma, wife, therapy receiver, and blogger.
Something really transitioned in me when I started writing the blog. Not only did it make me feel so much relief, by letting all of these thoughts out, but it allowed me to do some reflecting. Within a week of starting my blog I began going to weekly therapy sessions, I had previously been seeing a doctor once a month for checking but not talk therapy. So I was excited to start on this new journey of self discovery, accountability, rawness, and healing.
Just this week alone I have had some MAJOR epiphanies, like I cannot stress MAJOR enough.
I’ve finally found some self compassion
I managed to make a big decision that I would have usually felt sick about, without the guilt
I realized that having a funky day doesn’t translate to having a funky week or month or life.
I told my step-dad I loved him (I’ll share more about this later)
And lastly, I came to understand my purpose. This blog is my purpose.
I’m pretty sure for my entire life I thought our purpose had to be serving others. And this week, I've discovered that my purpose is me. Yall, my REASON, my PURPOSE, why I am doing everything I am doing, it's for ME!!!! When I write this blog I write it for me. I obviously share it, so I can assume someone else will read it, but when I write it, I am writing to myself, I am having a conversation with myself, an inner discussion if you will.
I am a huge believer in things happening for a reason and I’m a big nonbeliever of coincidence. I really don’t think anything that happens is a coincidence, like really, I think everything happens on purpose, both good and bad, for some reason that may be obvious immediately or at a very later date. On Wednesday I was putting something in my sink, and I noticed the date on my page a day calendar that was sitting on the windowsill. It was November 19th. Wednesday was december 8th, i’d been slacking. So I just ripped off all the pages until it was right. And the most profound thing was sitting on that page.
This was no coincidence. It was right where I needed it to be at the time I needed to see it. And at that moment, all of these little pieces fell into place. My purpose is to continue to write this blog and use it as a way to help me do some healing and help me to be more vulnerable. Along the way, I may By the grace of God, help someone else.
So here we are.
I’m happy, and for the first time I am not afraid that someone or something can take that away from me, because I own my happiness.
