Shrink, Shrank, Shrunk - Mental Health Matters!
Well this is basically the most perfect blog topic of every for me to make a return with, because that’s where I have been, taking care of my mental health.
Yes… for 2+ months.
No… I am no where near done.
Y’all, allow me to share a suggestion….. do NOT…
Purchase a vehicle because your old one was a lemon, pack for a move, celebrate Christmas, have your deceased moms birthday, close on a new house, then your 7 year olds birthday, then the 1 year anniversary of your mom’s passing, then your 1 year olds birthday, and then attempt to move into the house completely in like 3 days……..all within a 3 week time span.
It was not smart. The chaos of January made me retreat into my shell for February. It didn’t help the all of my sweet family was passing STREP back and forth to each other! :(
Anyway, so yeah, that’s where I have been. Dealing with some manic episodes, some depression, some guilt, some anxiety, lots of worry, and plenty of happy sprinkled into all of that. So I ghosted my blog. I had great intentions not to do that, but what can I say? My follow through has always kinda been shit.
It is no secret that since losing my mom and giving birth to my son, 5 days apart in January of 2021, I have made it my mission to heal. In reality I don’t think there is one magical cure to mental health issues or grief, but both are treatable. So while they may not go away, I can manage them, with help of course. My current choice for help is therapy, sometimes weekly, usually every other week at this point, and meds, allllllll the meds. Okay not all of the, but I take 2!
I can’t even imagine where I would be mentally and emotionally without the help of my therapist and doctor. I hate to sound dramatic, but when I initially began seeing my psychiatrist I was in a dark fucking hole that I did not see a way out of, well no way that would be good at least. She saved me, saved my life, saved me from myself, truly. I was so far gone in my head, that I couldn’t make sense of much, and she managed to yank me right out of the dark hole. She told me it would suck, it would take a lot of work, but she never stopped encouraging me that it would be worth it. I am forever thankful for her.
Then this summer, my doctors office added a therapist on site. I thought, meh, I don’t really have anything I think I want to talk about, but I know it can’t hurt. BOY oh BOY! I was sooooooo wrong. I had so much to say, but more importantly, she had so much to say that I needed to hear.
We talk about my mom and my sister, and how I think that grief sucks and I am tired of feeling it and I want my family back. We talk about my marriage and how far it has come and all the beautiful places that we can go in the future, and also how I sometimes want to throat punch my husband because he “just doesn’t get it”. She gives me the best parenting advice, because y’all, sometimes, I just don’t even know how to parent my children, I legit close my eyes and beg God for some help because when I get to that point…… I NEED Jesus…..well really my kids need him. We talk about self-compassion…. Something I didn’t even know existed prior to therapy, she helps me build confidence in making decisions that make ME happy. She is a voice of reason when I am not thinking of things in a way that is fair for everyone. She has been my balance…..wait, I take that back. SHE isn’t my balance, I am my balance, but she has been a huge part of the foundation that has helped me find balance.
I have never personally felt shame for having mental health issues, but I have felt different. Mostly in the sense of how can other people be so “normal” without medicine, like really, HOW?!?! Recently my friend and I have come to the conclusion that you’re normal if you deal with mental health woes and you’re fucking weird if you don’t. (I mean that in the nicest way possible)
I remember when I was younger, like late teens maybe, I always felt off, or sad, and my primary care physician would give me tips on losing weight. He would say that walking would make me so much happier and a healthy diet and weight loss was the trick. Uhm….. I wonder if walking a diet would also cure my undiagnosed ADD that I was dealing with, or quiet down those intrusive thoughts that made me obsessive about non-existent things. I am going to vote NO.
Eventually, I went to college, and surprisingly they had a bad ass counseling options available. I got on my very first medicine, Lexapro (0/10 do not recommend lol) and started seeing a student counselor that was in the Master’s program. I quickly realized a couple of things:
Child hood trauma will snake its away into your adult life and fuck it all up.
Therapy is so freeing.
Medicine can be so helpful.
You don’t have to ignore your mental health and just live in a constant state of BLAH.
As I got older, I stayed on medication, sometimes switching them out, depending on if I was pregnant, or nursing, or went off the deep end and thought for some asinine reason that I could handle things on my own. Side note: I cannot.
Now I am on medication that makes me feel whole. My ADD is no longer undiagnosed, my obsessive thoughts are under control with the help of medicine, deep breathing, and lots of therapy, and I honestly haven’t been happier. But it isn’t just a kind of smile happy, its like a healthy, mental freedom, happy. If I am being completely open, it is a place I never thought existed, well for me at least. But I have found it, with hard work and persistence, and so much support.
I will leave you with something I think about often when it comes to mental health vs. physical health…..
If you have diabetes, you would change your diet or use insulin?
If you have crooked teeth and wanted them straight, you would get braces?
If you have chronic headaches, you’d see a neurologist and figure out the best course of treatment?
If you break your leg, you would seek the help of an orthopedic specialist?
So, why, WHY, WHY, when we have mental illness, is it such a big deal to get help?
What is the actual difference?
You would never tell someone with epilepsy to just start a new diet and try to take some walks to manage their seizures would you?
Be kind to those around you, we don’t know what is going on inside their heads or their hearts.
