Step-parents Who Step Up
Well, first, let me start off by saying sorry to all of the step-parents out there who have had to hear “you’re not even my real mom/dad". We as shit head step-kids are deeply sorry and we were only being regular, most likely teenaged, assholes. Now that we are older and know better, we regret all of the hard times we gave you.
I really cringe when I look back on how I treated my step dad. I would get him father's day cards and add the word step to it. Who fucking does that? As a 36 year old woman, I can definitely look back and see that I was trying to draw a line to keep him at a distance. You know, if you don’t let people in, they can’t hurt you. That kind of thing.
I curiously researched where the term step parent even comes from.
Apparently step is a derivation of the Old English word step, which means bereave. So basically the terms stepchild and stepparent were used to describe the children who were orphans or the individuals who became their parents.
This seems a bit weird to me that this term has made it this far. Step-kids are usually not orphans. I mean most of the time their parents got divorced, the maybe still see their dad every other weekend, but typically their mother is still around. The term step-anything seems like it more aligns with the idea of current day adoption opposed to second marriages.
Its weird. I’ve heard many blended families use the term bonus mom or bonus dad recently and that seems more exciting. I mean we just kept it simple, my step-dad is “Mr. Joe", always has been. Of course these days he answers to Papa, yall he’s the best grandfather of ever to my babies and the absolutely adore him. Do you know, that this man has been in the hospital room for every single one of the kids births, he has taken the most precious photos of the occasion, and has been, usually the 4th person to hold them, for the first two my mom won 3rd place, but for Warner it was just me, Johnny, and Papa, so he slid into 3rd. Warner and his Papa are legit best friends, i’m pretty sure he would pick his Papa over anyone else, every single time. I’m not mad at it, they are so cute together guys. Today during carpool, I was on the phone with Papa and Rowen got into the car. I said do you hear who I am talking to? He said yeah, that’s my Papa, but why does your screen have an M at the beginning? (His name is still saved in my phone as Mr. Joe, as it always will be.) The kids think its completely weird that their Papa, Gammy, Mawmaw, and Pawpaw have actual names.
You know I really wouldn’t be able to have the relationship with Joe if my biological dad wouldn’t have ducked out. So I actually appreciate him for that. It may seem weird to some, but I appreciate that my dad left, he had absolutely no business raising children or being an influence on a family unit. He had many unhealthy personality traits and was most definitely a product of his upbringing, or lack of. I truly don’t think he was capable of loving any children or a spouse, because I know he never loved himself.
I would say our relationship was very typical as a step-child/step-father. I mean I probably gave him a much harder time than other, less capable kids. But I went to him for advice, was scared to disappoint him, and he was always there with support and love. I think that’s what “regular” dads do too right? Really I got lucky because the man who was my dad didn’t do all of those things because he was obligated, he did them because he wanted to, and maybe because he REALLY loved my momma.
The older I got, the more our relationship evolved. There was a definite shift when I went to college and was seemingly getting my life together, I think he was proud. I maybe noticed this so I made sure to drop out for a year. Hahahahah!! But I went back, I graduated, I met my husband, and he was there for all of those things. He walked me down the isle on my wedding day, which was super special, even more so because I married by husband at the same place he married my mom.
When I had Ellenore, the first grand baby, he was smitten, I felt a shift then too. Maybe that’s the first time I actually felt like a grown up around him? I’m not sure. But the real shift, I think, happened when my sister passed away. I think that rocked us to the core as a family and brought all of us closer. It also gave him one less choice for favorite daughter, so score on my end! (I am joking…..mostly….but not really) I felt such a strong connection with my mom and Joe after such an awful tragedy, but I am a firm believer of things happening for a reason. I ended up moving in with my mom for about 6 months after losing my sister and it was a truly wonderful experience, other than the exact that my mom was the type of person who would legit wash your bowl as you were actively eating out of it, y’all she was so clean. But the experience was positive and I grew closer to both of them. When I moved out again, I made sure to stay as close ass possible, about an 18 minute drive. I have never been happier about that distance than in the last 18 months.
The next thing that really jolted us was losing my mom. But we lost her together, we took care of her together, we lied to her about her pulse and oxygen level together, we agreed to keep her at home together, we planned her funeral together, buried her together, and we miss her every day together. I don’t really know where I would be right now if I didn’t have him as part of my team. My mom was so worried about leaving him, if you know my mom the rest of this isn’t surprising, but about 2 weeks before she passed she sent me an email, she said Jami, make sure Joe calls Chase in the spring to clean the flowerbeds and pressure wash the house, and make sure he eats!!!! That’s how she was though, always so worried about us and the kids. By the way, he did call Chase….. not really as willingly as I’d prefer, but the house got pressure washed and the flowerbeds will get done. And don’t you worry, he eats, sometimes thanks to me, sometimes because he is an entire grown up who knows how to go to the grocery store and buy groceries……
I can’t imagine our relationship being any different than what it is today. We have certainly been through some shit but we also get to share some of the most fun and exciting moments of our lives. Vacations, t-ball, kids, new house adventures, weekend outings, all of it, we get to do it together and I am so very grateful that we get that privilege.
I will leave you with some fatherly words of wisdom that I will always think of when I think about Joe, maybe you can find something useful here too.
I can hear these things that my stepdad has said to me over and over, in my head, even though he doesn’t have to say them anymore.
The kitchen closes at 8. (Seriously, don’t even think about getting a spoon for that ice cream you stopped and got at the gas station)
In or out, shut the door. (I am assuming this is the Yankee version of “were you raised in a barn”?)
Did you read the book? (When I would ask him for help with homework, this would be his response, my answer was always no. So then I’d go read the book, and 99% of the time I no longer needed help. I’ve said this so many times to my past students, usually more along the lines of “did you read the directions?”, but it still holds true.)
it is what it is. (I can’t lie, when he would say this when I was younger I would be infuriated. Ya know the over-controlling, anxious parts of me would never just be okay with this. But I’ve come along way in the past 25 years and I can say, this actually something I say often. Because at the end of the day…… it is what it is……)
A couple of other funny things……
-If you burp or fart, as long as you say beer fart or beer burp, its pretty much excused.
-I used to call the house phone and ask for my mom and he would tell me she ran off with the gypsies. I didn’t even know what gypsies were until they had that show on TLC about them.
