Stillness in a Stampede

I seem to struggle around this time of year, early May to be specific. The minute we step into May I run smack dab into my birthday, which I don’t really mind aging, but it also serves as the anniversary of my sisters death. It never feels right to celebrate or be happy when I have that reminder of how much my life changed, this year made 7 years. It some how has gone by so quickly in years but slowly in moments. There are so many moments that she hasn’t physically been here for and boy do I miss her. At the same time I see her in so many moments, in the eyes of my children, well more so their personalities.

Then we swing right around to Mother’s Day, which is a day I should be celebrating as well, I am a mother to three beautiful children with one on the way. But I can’t help myself, I mourn the loss of my mother during this time so deeply that I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

All of this caused me to kind of back myself into a corner, one where I wanted to hide and skip all the things. I zoned out from parenting, household duties, and friendships. I needed a moment to feel all the feels and more importantly process them. I also realized during this time that I am 100% an empath. I hold on to my friends and families emotions, both good and bad, so tightly, to the point that I can’t really tell where my own feelings end and the feelings I take on from them begin. Normally I would say this is one of my better qualities, but when it comes down to focusing on my own mental health, its probably one of the worst for me to deal with.

Death and loss has a funny way of working its way through your life. I felt like after my sister passed, people just went back to their normal so quickly, but it was because they could, she wasn’t their sister. And that’s probably the first time that I felt stuck, standing completely still, as people charged around me, with purpose and plans and lives to live, but there I was, stagnant, not sure how to move, how to go through the process I had ahead of me. But I found a way, with support from my mother, my dad, and my husband, I figured out how to move through the crowd, never as quickly or with as much certainty as others, but I was moving.

I move through that crowd the best that I could for 6 years, until I lost my mom. And I had all of those same feelings all over again, I was so still, and everyone around me continued to swirl. There are times where I just feel lost, like I am standing in the middle of the crowd, slowly turning in circles, looking for the best way to move, but every time I see an opening, it quickly closes. So I just stay there, standing, still, looking for a way out and realizing that this is where I have to be at the moment.

I am not good at feeling stuck by the way, it triggers every bit fight or flight I have in my soul. But I did what I thought would work, I disconnected, tuned into my kids, my house, crossing things off of my to do list, and I came out okay. I know we may have a repeat next year, and the year after that, and the year after that, but the more years there are, the better my coping will be, or that’s my hope at least.

Check on your friends when they’re quiet, there quietness can be caused by many things, but sometimes, they’re just stuck, standing still, and need someone to lead them; be the friend that grabs their hand, the one who shows them the path.