Home

Over the last 15 months I have had this constant desire to go “home”. But not home as in a physical location, but more like the feeling. I think my Momma was my home and without her here, it makes me feel “home-less” in a sense.

I wanna walk through the door of her house and smell my favorite meal cooking, hear her favorite music on, smell her perfume, sit down and look at her face while we talk, get reassurance. All those things I won’t have anymore. I think I am longing to go to a safe place, after all my mom is the person who I have known my entire life, and the one who has been consistently there. That desire to be near her increased ten fold when my sister passed away and it never left.

These days when I think of that home feeling, I think of my mom washing my hair for me when I was 9 months pregnant with my daughter because I was just too exhausted to do it myself. Or her cooking dinner and inviting us over, just so we wouldn’t have to worry about it.

I guess just like in the rest of our lives, this too will be a transition. I no longer need to seek for the feeling of home and instead work on becoming the feeling. I will have four children who will look for that same feeling within me and I don’t want to be checked out looking for something that doesn’t exist in the same way anymore.

So I will create. I will wash my childrens hair when they just can’t seem to manage. I will cook them their favorite meals so they can find comfort in the smell. I will make sure that their clothes are washed and their beds are comfy. I will make sure I can be the place that lets them breath a sigh of relief.

My hugs, my listening, my love, my patience, my joy, my pride, that will be what makes up their home.

So instead of being sad, here’s to creating our own HOME, both the physical place and that deep feeling in our souls.