I remember finding out I was pregnant with my oldest son, Rowen, just 3 1/2 short months after I lost my sister. And I just knew, that he would come out looking like my sister or acting like her. In a way it is true, he definitely has her attitude, but I think that is more attributed to them both being the second child and having big sisters, more than their personalities being similar. I really was just looking to fill that void, bring my sister back, and I had a rough first year with those being my hopes. I wanted him to make me feel a way that no one would have been able to do, wanted to make me feel whole again, what a tremendous amount of pressure to put on such a brand new person. That was so unfair of me then, and I have spent a lot of time making up for it. Out of the three kids we have had, he has been the one who is most distant from me, leaning more towards his daddy. Not that he doesn’t love me, but I was just so checked out right after he was born, that I never let myself connect with him and I regret that, and talk about it in therapy often. I have also come to a space of forgiveness for myself, knowing that those times weren’t intentional, but more so due to me being in protection mode, for myself.

I truly thought we were done having kids, but I always had this nagging feeling that I would never feel finished if we stopped at two. So after much prayer, discussion, and letting go of control, we decide if we had one more, it would be a blessing, and if we didn’t, then that would be okay too. It took us almost a year to get pregnant with Warner, and I was definitely at the point of wanting to give up, but boy am I glad we didn’t.

My pregnancy with Warner was a rollercoaster, to be honest, it SUCKED! I had extreme nausea and vomiting in the beginning, a long period of time where I was constantly dehydrated, and then the icing on the cake was getting diagnosed with gestational diabetes 2 days before Thanksgiving. Ya’ll that broke me, but I shouldn’t have been shocked, at that point I was enjoying my fair share of Christmas tree Little Debbie cakes. (Side note: I absolutely hate them while not pregnant or during different pregnancies, but was addicted with Warner) During all of this, my mom found out her cancer was growing again and had spread, but we chose to believe that she would beat this. But apparently the universe had different plans. I couldn’t wait for my mom to hold Warner and begged her, please stay long enough for him to get here, please fight, and boy did she. She fought so hard, but my momma knew what was good for me when I didn’t know myself. She took her last breath on Sunday, January 17th, 2021 and five short days later, at a routine check-up, my doctor said “wanna have a baby today?”. So we did. On Friday, January 22nd, 2021, we welcomed the most precious baby boy into this wonderful world.

I just knew, that he had to be my momma. He was born so close after her passing that he must embody her spirit and have a similar personality. I looked for any sign that my mom was sending me messages through my baby or she had somehow smuggled her soul into his new little body. There weren’t any.

I went to therapy shortly after and my therapist discussed how much pressure that is to put on a little person, you know hoping they are someone else instead of loving them for exactly who they are now and will become. So I stepped back, and I just loved him. I had no expectations, didn’t think he would make me feel a certain way, didn’t look for any signs; but then there they were.

I realized quickly that this kiddo did NOT have my mommas personality at all, to be honest he is her exact opposite. He is by far the most relaxed, go with the flow person I have ever encountered. He is happy 100% of the time (if he can see his momma), he really only cries if he gets scared or hurts himself, he eats anything you give to him, plays with any toys he can reach, and smiles and laughs the majority of the time he is awake.

He may not have her personality, but boy does he have her soul, her comfort, her love, her embrace, all those things we miss the most. When he was about 7 months old I was sobbing, all by myself on my sofa one day, just sad, missing my mom. He crawled his sweet little self up to me, I picked him up, and he nuzzled his little face into my neck and put his arms around me as much as he could, and he just held me, quietly, calmly, all while I sobbed into his little shoulder, he never budged. That was the day I knew my mom had touched him, I like to believe that she was so in a hurry to be the first to hold him, that she met him in heaven before he even came down to be here with us. During the following months we would see things that reminded me of my mom in other ways, she and I both sleep with our hands tucked under our chins, especially when we are exhausted, and so does baby Warner.

The most telling characteristic that he shares with my mother is his love for his Papa (my mom’s husband/my dad). Ya’ll I can’t even explain how sweet they are together. Warner looks at Joe like he hung the moon and to be fair, Joe returns those looks ten fold to Warner. Their relationship is so special, as soon as he sees his Papa he is ready to jump out of whoever’s arms are carrying him. He now runs to Papa and immediately throws his hands up in the air, letting him know it is time to pick me up! He wraps his arms around his Papas neck and rests his head on his shoulder and will lay like that for some time. He also has a very hard time telling his Papa goodbye, probably the sweetest most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen. I really think that my dad is Warner’s best friend, but then again, my mom was his best friend too.