If you are anything at all like me, before you had kids you said “ I never” a lot. Here are a few of my “I nevers”:

1. I will never let my kids skip school.

2. My kids will not have their own tablets.

3. I don’t want my kids to ever drink soda.

4. I will never spank my kids.

5. I will never be an absent parent, I will always be present and engaged.

Current response to my “I nevers”:

Uhm, was I joking?!?! Clearly I was because, I have done everything on my list at least 5 times, some are much more.

It is so easy to proclaim all of the things that we won’t do, usually things that we saw our parents do growing up, that didn’t sit well with us, or we saw other parents doing, that made us cringe a little.

And then life happens, you have your kids, and all of a sudden, you’re doing A LOT of those things you so firmly claimed that you would NEVER do.

But the things we do with our children aren’t always chosen. Sometimes it’s genetics, sometimes it is out of ignorance, and sometimes its because you, as an adult, have not healed your trauma from your own childhood.

For me it was super easy to identify all of my weaknesses, my flaws, the things I didn’t want to pass down, but that awareness didn’t quite translate to me being the kind of parent I so desperately wanted to be. How in the world could I be all the things I valued when I had no value for myself, I was so broken? Can broken people really raise together people? From my experience, I would say absolutely not.

My mom had trauma growing up that 100% played a part in how she parented us. And instead of breaking the cycle, I let some trauma I experienced growing up, taint my parenting with my own children. Now, am I ruined because of my mom? Obviously not. My mom was truly a great mother, she had her struggles like anyone else, but at the core of her being she loved and adored my sister and me. And I know, at the core of my being, I would do absolutely anything for my children and the love I have for them isn’t even something I can describe to you.

I won’t say “I never” anymore when it comes to things I will and won’t do with my children, but I will say it like this - “I will never stop working on myself to be the best parent I can be, and some days that will look really fucking awesome, and other days it going to look pretty mediocre, if not like complete shit”. You know it’s never how you actually are, its the effort you put into trying to be your best. After all, we are kind of just winging this whole parenting thing.

So let’s revisit that list of things I surely would never do as a parent.

• I will never let my kids skip school.

  • Except for 5 whole days when we went to Mexico in October of 2021.

• My kids will not have their own tablets.

  • I purchased both of my kids an Amazon Fire tablet, mostly because I thought I had more control over it than an iPad. Probably one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. By giving my kids those handheld devices, I truly changed their personalities. So now they are burried deep in a container somewhere in a closet and we pretend they are broken. Usuaully if someone is home sick, I will let them watch the iPad while the baby naps, but that is all. So I definitely broke my own rule, but ended up redeeming myself in the long run. If your kids have their own devices and still function like normal people, praise you!!! I am jealous! Tablets = monsters! (at my house)

• I don’t want my kids to ever drink soda.

  • My daughter loves Coke Zero. My oldest son would prefer water. The baby has no idea what soda is. I didn’t do a great job with this one at all, because I didn’t know how to tell my kids no, when I myself was drinking them. I can proudly say, we are a family that drinks much more water these days and I am trying my very best to limit my Coke intake to set a good example for my daughter.

• I will never spank my kids.

  • About this, I definitely don’t “whip” my kids, like with a belt or a paddle, but I certainly have spanked them.

• I will never be an absent parent, I will always be present and engaged.

  • Except after work, when I have spoken to 100 students all day and answered 1,237 questions about directions I had already given. Then I just want to come home and completely check out, while scrolling on my phone or watching trash TV.

I always think about the things I value in myself and how I want my kids to pick up on those things, like enjoying to cook, being generous, making jokes (even the really terrible ones), being a hard worker, all of those things that I want to pass down. But then I think about what really matters to me, what things I really want my kids to have, even the qualities I don’t have myself….. like loving unconditionally, incredible patience, insight into who they are and who they want to become, knowing how to be a hard worker without forgetting what’s important.

I will never get this perfect, but I will always make progress. I learn new things with each kid that help me parent the others. Of course I wish I knew all the things before Ellenore was born, but no such luck. It has been such an amazing journey growing as a parent as my children grow as well. You can always apologize and do better. And that is what I can commit too. Also, being open to the fact that my parenting isn’t perfect and if I have passed down some of my own trauma or unwelcome quirks, I can offer them help, by seeking counseling, being open with them, and answering questions they have honestly.