Some people seem to be so comfortable with affection. Me, not so much. I show affection in different ways, not physical ways, more like remembering something you said 6 months ago and using that information to buy you a gift, or giving you a compliment, or something along those lines. Please know, I will never, ever, offer to hug you. Like ever.

This is one of the qualities that I would love to work on, and I think with continued therapy we will get to the bottom of why I am so opposed to physical touch. I mean I have a few ideas as to why it just isn’t my thing, a lack of physical touch in my younger years and maybe touching without consent in my teenage years. But I am sure there is more to it, not that either of those things aren’t enough to make me hate being touched.

I usually have one exception to my no hug rule, my children, I will ALWAYS hug my children, big bear hugs, squeezing them until they start laughing, kissing their cheeks, and telling them how much I love them. I can’t even imagine turning my kids away from any kind of physical touch. This is something I decided before having children, that I would make sure that they never ever went without affection.

One exception to my anti-hug rule was my mother, I would always let her hug me no matter what. It did make me uncomfortable, but there is this reassurance that moves from a momma to a child during a hug that you really can’t get from anywhere else. I also think needing a big bear hug from your momma is more of an internal feeling than an actual physical feeling.

The one place I feel the safest with hugs has to be my husband. I don’t know if it is because he is who I have chosen to trust and to let all the way in, or because he is just a good hugger, but this is where I feel safe, and seen, and taken care of. There are sometimes when I can’t even put into words how I am feeling and he will just open his arms up for me to slide in for a hug, and he squeezes me so hard and will let me cry when I need to, no matter how long it takes for me to get to the point that I can take a deep breath and feel better. I think sometimes as adults we forget how much a good squeeze can calm us down. We are so worried about our children and providing comfort for them, with things like hugs and kisses, that when it is our turn to need comforting, I think we forget the small things. I personally look for comfort in therapy, food, alcohol, a lil drugs now and then, but I zoom right past a simple hug. I am really going to put in the effort to allow myself to be touched more and hugged without becoming rigid and uncomfortable.

———>If you are my friend in real life and reading this, thinking that now you can just give me a hug whenever you feel like it, you better not, I said I am working on it, not that I am there yet and accepting random hugs all open and shit.