This topic has been in my drafts since February 10, 2022. I had all of the ideas now what I wanted to write, but I wasn’t exactly ready. Mostly because I didn’t want to believe that I still had an unhealthy relationship with food.

I have had an unhealthy relationship with eating and food for as long as I remember, it probably started around the age of six. I think that is also the earliest that I can remember having feelings. And for me, feelings and food go hand in hand. When I feel good and something calls for a celebration, we do so with food. When I am in a bad mood, or sad, I turn to food for comfort. So no matter the question, for me, food has always been the answer.

Just recently in therapy we have started really digging into what feeling I was looking for from food. Other than sustaining my life, what did I get out of food. The answer is actually really sad for me to admit as an adult.

When I ate, I felt love, comfort, attention, and control. After I realized that food made me feel whole and full, I kept chasing that feeling. I have never personally been addicted to drugs, but I imagine it is basically the same feeling. Except food isn’t illegal and you can literally get it anywhere. My dealer is Rouse’s, McDonalds, Popeye’s and every restaurant or source in between.

I can’t even begin to explain the hold food has had on me for my entire life. I have moments where I feel stronger than the obsession, like it doesn’t consume my entire life, and then something triggers me or happens and my go to resolution is food. And then I’m back in that unhealthy spot, feeling dependent and completely overtaken by something that really shouldn’t have that amount of power over me.

I think a lot of the dependency that I have on food stems from a lack of coping skills. As a mother myself, it is probably one of the most difficult things I am responsible for teaching my children, especially because I am almost 38 and haven’t quite figured it out. Throughout my life I have tried alternative coping mechanisms, some a bit more extreme than others. From about 16 to 22 it was smoking, which wasn’t terrible, but yall, the best time have a cigarette is after a good meal. So that didn’t quite work. I am sure it helped some with the constant thinking of food, but not enough to make it go away completely. Then things got a little more fun, I thought maybe I was eating because I was lonely, so I need someone to love me, which really just turned into sex. Turns out that sex doesn’t quiet the thoughts either. I’ve done some slightly better choices as well, reading, riding my bike, nature walks, crafting, cleaning, working, but no matter what, I still ran back to that comfort eating.

As I have gotten older, I have learned to control my dependency on food while in front of others. I never overeat around friends or family, sometimes I will even peck at my food. But let me be alone, all bets are off. I do have to give myself some credit, over the past 3ish years, I have made a lot of progress with my relationship with food, but I know I still have so far to go. I was originally prescribed a medication to help with binge eating, and the way it worked was by essentially making that strong impulsive urge to eat be more quiet. (Side note, after the first time I took Vyvanse I realized I was severely ADD and had absolutely no idea that other “typical” people were actually able to think complete thoughts and that their brain didn’t run constantly with thoughts, ideas, and worries.)

I am still on the Vyvanse and it helps with everything like 90% of the time. But there are days and times where I eat something looking for comfort or out of habit. I also have noticed that I will get distracted and go all day without eating and become aware in the late afternoon that I am shaky and feel off, then I remember I haven’t actually eaten anything, and I chow down on something easy and convenient so I stop feeling off. I have noticed my eating habits have rubbed off on my 2 year old son. At this point, even when offered food, he will decline it and most days he would just eat yogurt 17 times if I let him. I have been making an effort to actually sit down and eat lunch with him lately, and although it is a new habit for both of us, I think it will be lasting.

In the future, this is something I will continue discussing with my therapist in hopes creating and maintaining a healthy relationship with food that doesn’t border obsession or fear.

I’d love to hear how anyone else deals with this, or if you are someone who truly eats to live instead of lives to eat, your perspective would be very enlightening.