Purposeful Parenting: Figuring out what parenting style best fits your family.
Disclosure: I am 100% not a doctor, licensed therapist, or professional parent. So the things I talk about below are purely based on my experiences as a parent and my opinions. I am in no way recommended for anyone to parent the way I do. (mostly because it's still a work in progress and I am still learning) But hopefully if you have some of the same struggles or self-doubt like I do when it comes to parenting, this can be comforting to you.
Did yall know that there are more than 10 different parenting styles? I thought there were only two.
GOOD (present and caring)
BAD (absent and indifferent)
Turns out I was wayyyyyy wrong. Thanks to good ole TikTok, I have been seeing quite a few videos that mention gentle parenting. I looked into it, because honestly, it sounded so peaceful and beautiful. And then I quickly realized that I say fuck too much and that it was very unlikely that I would ever practice gentle parenting 100% in my house.
Before doing some research, I would say I really don’t have a set parenting style. There are few things that are hard no’s for me when it comes to raising my children, but otherwise my methods change depending on the situation, our location, and the kid.
Things I am not a fan of:
Spanking.
Now look, I have popped my kids hands or bottoms before, but it never felt useful. If this is something that works for you, hey, do what you gotta do! I think that if you can spank for discipline, then it could probably work, but I cannot differentiate between spanking my child to show them discipline vs. spanking my child because I am angry or upset at their behavior. Early on I would use a small “pop” as a punishment, but quickly realized that the result was not positive or helpful. But it is because I created these kids that do not respond to physical discipline, let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I remember being a kid and getting spanked, I would get so angry that I wouldn’t even look at my mother. It really never taught me a lesson or made me straighten up my act, it embarrassed me and made me have resentment towards my mother. There were other times that my sister got spanked and I can still see her looking at my mom and laughing. Yall, my sister looked at my mother one time and said “really? that didn’t even hurt”. The balls on that girl!!!!! If you knew my sister, this isn’t surprising at all. Needless to say, physical punishment was not effective on us either.
Cry It Out.
I fucking hate this. I am usually pretty non judgemental, however, when I meet moms who do this I internally cringe. I certainly understand the point of it and why one would try it, I mean I am assuming out of desperation or self-preservation. But I just cannot get on board. You can Google it all day long, and you will honestly find research, websites, and articles that represent both sides. I can’t lie though, when my child is crying, and I am not comforting them or helping them (specifically my infant), it sets a fire inside my soul that I just cannot ignore. It physically hurts me. I feel like my default reaction as a mother is to soothe and offer comfort. Of course I would love for my baby to fall asleep on his own, let him just lay in his crib and go to sleep, skip the rocking, butt patting, and shushing. But I also really enjoy that time with him, smelling his hair, feeling him breathing against me, knowing how comforting I am for him, all those things will win everytime.
Electronics (phones,tablets,handheld games).
This is not something I have always shied away from. I actually relied on it pretty heavily for about a year. I essentially was letting iPads babysit my children. My daughter began watching what she called “baby dog videos'' which translates to baby doll videos. She was obsessed with babies and baby dolls and could watch hours of YouTube videos of other kids playing with reborn dolls. Rowen started watching Blippi on an iPad as well. Slowly I started seeing a very noticeable shift in their behavior and moods. They seemed to get frustrated quickly, they were showing a lot of anger and aggression, they cried more, they didn’t sleep as well, and overall were kind of crabby, which was very different from their pre-iPad personality. Even though I noticed all these things, the ease of handing them the tablet and having it occupy my children when I did laundry, cooked dinner, cleaned up, or even took a bath, overshadowed my urge to take them away. And then, one September day in 2020 our electricity went out. I used that as an excuse to hide the iPads. I told them that while the iPads were plugged in, the power went out and ruined the batteries. I told them not to worry, we sent them off to be fixed. The weirdest thing happened, the iPads got lost on their way back from the iPad doctor. And they have never made their way back. (They are currently stashed at the top of our bedroom closet, very dead, but very much not broken) I know I took a cop out, but I knew what their reaction would be if they knew I was just choosing to take it away, they would be angry and upset, they really didn’t see the negative impact. We have now been iPad free for 14 months and it has truly been life changing for all of us. We spend more family time together, we play board games, we are slowly teaching the kids how to play Phase10, we spend more time going to parks, and the kids even participate more in household duties. And more importantly, they are so much happier. They regulate their emotions better, play better together, are less annoyed and aggressive, and seem to be able to focus more. The other thing I love watching is their dedication to pretend play. They have built restaurants out of old Amazon boxes, made a fort, and built Lego castles that have their own corresponding historical background. They are fun, they are children. I found this article both alarming and informative ——-> Screen Time: The Impact on Kids and Parenting | Psychology Today
So now that you know what I am not a fan of in the parenting bag of tricks, what am I into? To be completely honest, that is what I am working on both personally and with my therapist. I struggle a bit to parent my children because all of those lovely qualities that make me so proud to be their mom also frustrate me and make me want to give in. Both of my big kids are smart, opinionated, pretty independent, stubborn, they take no shit from anyone, including myself. And while I can recognize that those will be amazing qualities to have as adults, it makes parenting hard for the time being. But hard is not impossible, so I will continue to work on learning how to be the parent my children need me to be.
Some of my struggle is having a very different parenting style than my husband. We were raised in very different homes. I was raised by my mother, as a single parent, and I had one sister. We did not see my dad regularly, usually once every 5 years or so, and he did not pay my mom child support. My mom didn’t marry my step-dad until I was 15, so for the majority of my childhood I didn’t have any male influence. Personally I am grateful for this, my mom was a badass, she was always a very hard worker, she never gave up on her dreams, she made sure me and my sister were always taken care of, and she always made it look so easy. My husband on the other hand was raised in a down the bayou fairytale. His parents have been married for over 50 years. His mother was always a stay at home mom, even after the boys went to school. His dad always worked full time to support the household. They would go fishing together on the weekends, or hunting during the season, and they even had a little garden in their backyard. But having a father in the house definitely impacted how he parents. Just picture it, holiday get togethers with both of our families, me and my mom giving my father-in-law an evil stare because he is talking sideways to my children. Just for the record, when it comes to my kids, I will tell anyone to fuck all the way off, including my father-in-law and husband.
A lot of my parenting style comes from being a teacher. It has helped me be a little more patient, know what to expect at certain ages or stages, and I feel like I am overall more willing to try new approaches. My husband on the other hand has kind of an old school mentality, he feels like when he speaks, the kids should just freeze and listen. I mean I am sure there are kids who thrive in that kind of environment, they just don’t have any of my DNA. My kids are 100% their momma. If you raise your voice at them, they completely shut down. The odd thing is, even though they don’t like it when he raises his voice or gets upset, they are by far more scared of me and what my reaction will be. There is no “I’m calling your Daddy” or “Wait until your Dad gets home” at our house.
One really awesome aspect of the therapist I see is that she works with only women, the majority of which are parents. This makes it really helpful when some of the stressors I am dealing with stem from parenting issues. It is great to have that voice of support telling me that I am doing my best, which is more than good enough. I also appreciate being able to get suggestions or methods that I wouldn’t think of on my own.
Ultimately, I would say I use a mix of slow, attachment, authoritative parenting. I would say that in general, this seems to work for my family. There is always room to grow and things I would like to change about myself, to better accommodate my children, but acknowledging that is a huge step in the right direction.
What kind of parenting style do you prefer? Just one? A mix? Check out 14 parenting styles here ----->14 Parenting Styles Demystified | American SPCC
